The Workings of Love and Regret
by Shineclaw
Summary: Koumei Ren's journey to learn how both love and regret work in his life.


He remembered the fire, remembered how it had stripped him of his older cousins, had stripped his youngers to the claim of their throne. He remembered all too well. But he couldn't do anything. Even as his father was crowned emperor instead of his eldest cousin, he didn't know what he should do. He didn't know what he could do. The newly appointed Second Prince, Ren Koumei, had never felt so lost in his life, so out of place. Even in that war meeting that he was taken to as a mere child, he felt more at peace, more in place.

He had never felt so disgusted with himself, with the world. He remembered the aftermaths of war, how all the blood and gore he had witnessed was etched upon his brain. How Prince Hakuren had cried, hugging his best friend to his chest, how Prince Hakuyuu had seemed too tired, how his brother had tears streaming down his face and could barely still hold his sword. How his brother had given up. But he also remembered the First Emperor, his uncle, how he had given him words of encouragement.  
"Everyone is fighting for the justice they believe in"

He fought for the justice his older cousins believed in. Now, he would fight to avenge them. He wasn't as strong as his older brother, he wasn't as dedicated either. He didn't have the abilities or strengths that he possessed either. And yet he swore to get revenge for the two of them. It was as if his entire world had been lost in that fire.

But he somehow didn't feel as depressed as he should have. There was someone else who had lost so much more. Koumei had never even been looked upon by his father, and his mother was long dead. But he still had his brother. He also still had his plethora of younger half-siblings. But Lady Hakuei had no one left.

She had been her father's favorite child, but he had been assassinated. Her older brothers had been lost to the fire and her younger one lay on death's door. And Koumei knew how _innocent_ her mother was in these killings. He knew that she knew too. Princess Hakuei had lost everything, not only her status, her home, her wealth, but her entire family. He had no right to grieve so much when she had lost everything.

She was utterly alone. And it showed as she sat in the gardens while her mother and his father said their vows. The uncle who had always claimed to be like a brother to her mother had become Princess Hakuei's father. Koumei felt anger at his father. He hadn't even allowed them time to grieve, time for Prince Hakuryuu to heal, time for the ghosts of the former princes to move on. And he sat on the throne that was supposed to go to the first prince.

He made his way over to her. Maybe they'd sit in solitude together, in the presence of feeling betrayed. Koumei had also felt betrayed because of his father, just as much as she did from her mother.

After his own mother's death, a month after Princess Hakuei's birth, Koumei started to have younger siblings appear. Clearly, his father had been sleeping around, getting countless concubines and then discarding them, as he did to the mother of his younger, no longer youngest as his father had adopted Prince Hakuryuu, brother. He said that he had loved Koumei's mother, the one true love of his life. Well, he wouldn't marry someone else if she was the love of his life! He understood her feeling of betrayal.

"Oh! Prince Koumei! I didn't see you there!" She said, quickly wiping her tears away as he sat down. He didn't deserve the title of 'prince'. He wasn't a prince. He was the prince's son, a child who had no claim to the throne. He was supposed to be seventh in line for the throne, not second. Princess Hakuei was supposed to be third in line, not fifth. _Don't call me a prince!_ His inside screamed.

"Please don't mind me. I'm just here to rest for a bit" He mumbled, taking a seat next to her. She sniffled quietly, black hair shaking as her figure quivered. He didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. What _could_ he say?

"You know, if my brothers were here, they would probably hug me and go beat up whoever was making me cry."

Koumei felt himself smile in the presence of an old memory. He himself had joined one of the older two princes' manhunts, for the son of a general who had destroyed Princess Hakuei's horse figurine collection. His brother had been forced to go out of the pure obligation that he had been Princess Hakuei's betrothed. That engagement no longer stood, once Kouen became the first prince.

It had been a request from their late mother, who had loved Hakuei from the moment she had seen her. The request, coming from his father's supposedly beloved, was accepted by the Empress and the Emperor. "Well, Prince Koumei, I guess I should go. Hakuryuu seems to be looking for me." She got up and left, her shoulders shaking more than ever. He guessed that she wasn't comfortable crying in front of him. _Please, don't call me a prince!_ His inner begged as she left.

But his eyes never left her, as they followed her figure which made it's way to Hakuryuu's nonexistent cries. The poor boy was still unconscious.

* * *

After that day, Princess Hakuei had practically disappeared. But whenever he'd ask his brother, all he'd say was "She's still mourning" Mourning didn't explain how a person completely vanished off of the face of the world. The way she had disappeared the other day, it worried him so much. She wasn't in her chambers, in the medical pavilion with Prince Hakuryuu, with his brother in his study. She wasn't anywhere. She wasn't even in the remains of the palace that had burnt down and killed her brothers and father.

He finally made his way to the last place she could be. The graves of her family. Women, such young girls, weren't allowed at the graves in fear that they would cry. Their cries would disturb those in the graves. Koumei didn't see the point. There was no one in those graves. They were just empty. They should have let Princess Hakuei cry as much as she wanted.

Surely, she was there, holding what seemed to be charred clothes and two jars filled with gray powder. She was in the process of digging the graves up.

It was late at night, not even the guards were there. No one guarded an empty grave. There was no point in it. "Princess Hakuei? What are you doing?" He asked cautiously.

"Oh!" She looked up startled and hid everything behind her back. Or at least attempted to. She stood up quickly.

"What's behind your back, Princess Hakuei?"

"I'm not a princess anymore, Prince Koumei. You outrank me."

"DON'T CALL ME PRINCE!" The fifteen-year-old cried. The girl blinked in fright. Koumei had never been the kind to shout, or put much effort into anything, really. Seeing her reaction, guilt washed over him. She was trying to be polite when _she_ was the one who lost everything, not him. He approached her, slowly. "Princess Hakuei, I'm so sorry, I-"

She cut him off. "I'm sorry, Prince Koumei, but please. I'm not a princess anymore, I just" She took a step back, trying to hide whatever she was hiding. "I just don't know what to do!"

"What?" He didn't understand. There wasn't much he didn't understand, but this was one of those few things that he couldn't wrap his mind around. "I don't understand"

"We are looked down in court for not being royalty anymore!" She cried, but Koumei understood now. He could hear the volumes of statements that hid behind that mere sentence. _"Everyone's dead! Hakuryuu hasn't woken up yet! It's been three months and the doctors say he won't ever wake up! Mother won't even turn to look at me! She says that it would be better if he dies! How can Mother be so cruel?!"_ That was what Koumei could hear instead of her sobs.

"But, Princess, you are royalty! You are still the first princess!" He argued. He didn't want to see her cry. But she was. Princess Hakuei, who always smiled and laughed, the reality of the situation finally sunk in. Prince Hakuyuu, Prince Hakuren, and Emperor Hakutoku. They really were gone. Forever. Maybe, before this, he had thought that there was still some sort of odd chance of them surviving. Maybe, because their bodies hadn't been found, that the princes were still alive somewhere, that they would come and take all this responsibility off his shoulders, give him a hug, and let everything return to normal. Normal didn't exist anymore.

"That doesn't matter! I'm not the same as the rest of you!" What she really meant, he knew was; _"My father is dead. My brothers are dead! Those who are supposed to stand up for me are gone! I am not of your father's blood!"_ That was what everything came down to, in the end. But, Koumei was glad that she wasn't related to the vile monster known as his father. "I am not your sister!" He knew that. He was painfully aware of that. He was aware of that every time she was shunned by her mother, every time she'd visit Prince Hakuryuu in the infirmary, every time his brother interacted with her, every time his chest tightened when he witnessed them together. He was painfully aware of that.

He didn't care to choose or carefully pick words and put together sentences. Anything that would stop her crying. He didn't want to see someone so close to his beloved cousins cry. He didn't want to see his beloved cry. "It's alright because I still love you like you are my sister. It doesn't matter if you are no longer brother's betrothed or the fact that the man who made us cousins is gone. I still love you..." The young eleven-year-old girl blinked for a moment, before setting everything down carefully and wrapping her arms around him, crying. He couldn't understand what had caused this development.

But slowly, he felt himself wrap his arms around her, as she cried into his chest. He didn't know what to say, but he knew what filled the air. Deep regret and loss for the two princes that no longer roamed the world, who could no longer hug them in comfort, could share their thoughts on stupid little matters, sing silly songs to get them out of their rooms or go on manhunts for someone who made them cry.

Koumei had so much regret, that he didn't help Prince Hakuyuu enough. That he wasn't able to fight enough in the war to help him, that he hadn't paid attention to his lectures, to his plans. He regretted not spending enough time with the older princes when he still had the chance. He regretted not going with the Emperor on his walks through the garden or going on border patrol with him. He regretted not paying attention to his wise words in the war, which had scarred his mind.

The most regrets he had were with Prince Hakuren. He regretted that he didn't say goodbye, that he hadn't bothered to stop Prince Hakuren from leaving his room and returning to his own. He regretted yelling insults out in frustration about Prince Hakuren not taking anything seriously. He regretted not paying attention to Prince Hakuren's last words to him, he regretted not turning to face him. He regretted not running up to the older male and begging for forgiveness, regretted not clinging to him, letting him leave his rooms and letting the prince return to his own rooms. If he had stopped them, if he had hugged the older man and begged him to not go, then maybe, just maybe, he may still have been still alive. Then maybe, things would have turned out different.

Her cries ebbed away as he tried to quiet her down just a bit. He knew the Empress had a habit of coming down to the graves of the older two princes. He didn't want to attract her attention if she was nearby. Then, as she cried, she whispered each and everyone one of her regrets. "I'm so sorry I didn't want to go hunting with you, Aniue, that I didn't sneak out to the Capitol with you and Koumei, Onii-sama" She wasn't calling him a prince, but he doubted that she even remembered what was happening. This had turned into a sanctuary of confessions.

"I'm sorry that I threw away that pin that you got me for my birthday, that I lost your favorite sword, that I destroyed your battle armor. I'm so sorry that I didn't want to sleep next to you anymore and that I didn't think the war was something good, that it could end all wars. I'm sorry that I laughed at your hair cut, and that I pretended you hurt me which got you into trouble." Koumei didn't know which brother she was talking about anymore. Prince Hakuyuu, _Aniue_, or Prince Hakuren, _Onii-sama_. "I'm sorry that I didn't want you to wish me a happy birthday as soon as midnight hit! I'm sorry that I made you sad in your last moment!" The day the Princes had died, it had just struck midnight and Princess Hakuei's birthday had just begun. He pulled her closer as his own regrets started surfacing. He said each and every one of them out loud, as loud as his guilt and shame would allow him to.

The two cousins were a mess of tears and confessions, and though Hakuei voiced much more of her regrets, he knew, both of them knew, he had the most of them. Prince Hakuren was his only friend, the person he was closest too. Prince Hakuyuu was a close second. Everyone knew how close the eldest sons of Prince, now Emperor Koutoku, were to the former first and second princes. And how close they were to the princess.

He himself remembered vowing to marry Princess Hakuei, jealous of his brother, and being merely four years old when the child was born. Right now, despite their positions, it still seemed plausible. He vowed to protect her. He owed it to both Princess Hakuei and Prince Hakuren. To his mother, the First Emperor, and Prince Hakuyuu. He would protect this little princess, no matter what.

For the rest of the night, Koumei and Princess Hakuei dug up the graves and buried what she had said to be her brothers' remains and their clothes. After that they snuck back into the palace, trying to avoid Kouen's great and scary scolding. Each remembered that night, and they would, for many years to come.

* * *

It had been years since Princess Hakuei had been left alone in the great big world that they all called home. Her brother, Prince Hakuryuu, had become the fourth prince, she had remained the first princess.

It had been years since Koumei's feelings of protection for the Princess had blossomed into feelings of love, as much as he regretted them. His guilt had never truly vanished, that it was his fault that she had been left alone in the world, but he would surely make it up to her someday. One day.

He walked through the gardens today. It was her birthday today, she would finally return from the lands of the Kouga Clan. He couldn't wait to see her, to talk to her. He hadn't had the chance to do so ever since the fight with the Medium. Even if that was recent, finally everyone was back home, after the summit. It was only for a day or two, before he, Kougyoku, and his brother, would return to Balbaad and Princess Hakuei and Kouha would go to the Tenzan Plateau. And yet he couldn't even say a simple greeting to her.

He had tried to find a proper gift, but in the end, he just gave up on it. Rather, he'd sit with her and reminisce about their long past childhood, and how everything had changed. It was a topic she was quite fond of and always brought up when speaking to him. As always, he'd changed the subject, or pretend to be so busy, that the woman would leave on her own. He'd want to say _"No! Stay!"_, but instead, he just stayed quiet.

He had been worried ever since the fight with the Medium, when the boy Magi, Aladdin, had saved Princess Hakuei from being squashed. Hakuryuu had never shown up at the battle to protect his sister, and despite their differences, Koumei knew how angry the boy would be if his sister happened to come to any harm. His brother had healed the woman, but he still worried.

He was looking for her. He had checked everywhere. The pavilion she and his sister Kougyoku shared, the Infirmary where she would often nurse her wounds, in the training grounds with Kouha or Hakuryuu, not in her rooms, not in her kitchens. He wasn't anywhere either, his brother and king. He wandered around aimlessly, growing more tired with each step. He wasn't used to walking around this much. At one time, when he was younger, he could have managed, but now at the ripe old age of twenty-seven, his bones were old and creaky. Something he found completely normal despite his brother's constant nagging.

Princess Hakuei often worried about him too. She told him to eat his meals and go to bed early. She told him to not spend all of his time reading a single scroll while laying in bed and to stop making his brother both angry and worry. She treated him just like the way she treated Hakuryuu. He didn't know if it was a good thing or not. But he was grateful for her care. She was probably the reason he hadn't died due to overworking himself. He owed her his life.

Sometimes, she worried too much, like making him bathe with her, or bathing him herself. Of course, he and Hakuryuu objected, but in the end, he was sitting in the bath and Princess Hakuei was washing his back. It may have something to do with Kouen knocking him out, but it was still inappropriate! They were grown adults both at the age of marriage. And with the ability to get married themselves. Not to mention, Koumei's own feelings towards the woman made it even more uncomfortable and wrong. Luckily, at times, when Hakuei decided to bathe with him, Hakuryuu was also forced along with them. Sometimes, Kougyoku joined for the mere heck of it. That definitely made it less of a problem, NOT!

Unable to spot the dark-haired princess, the ray of light in his dark world full of war and conquering, he made his way to his brother's study. His thoughts ran wild as he walked across the dozens of pavilions and mansions, making his way to his brother, the Crown Prince's. He had always thought that the Imperial Kou Palace was too large for its own benefit. It would take ages for reinforcements to arrive if people. But at the same time, it would take ages to distinguish which palace belonged to who. Almost every pavilion was the copy of another. The interior was a different matter, but people didn't check the interior of a manor when attacking it.

Today was the day that the former princes and the First Emperor had died in the fire, and how it had been one of the most traumatizing things in his life. Nothing, other than the wars during the warring states period, had ever managed to scare him so much. Not that he knew what was to come later on in life. It had taken ages for the reinforcements to arrive, and how they had arrived too late. Maybe he could have saved a prince if he had run into the burning pavilion rather than stare at the raging flames.

Maybe holding a rare conversation with _him_ would help her forget her painful memories and only remember the fun they had with Prince Hakuyuu and Prince Hakuren. That, or that night twelve years ago, where they buried the supposed ashes of the princes and the remnants of their clothes. The night where they had confessed all of their sins involving Prince Hakuyuu, Prince Hakuren and, Emperor Hakutoku. Maybe they'd remember that and sit in silence, simply enjoying each other's quiet company.

He trudged through his brother and king's pavilion, coming upon his study. He was still down the hall when he heard Princess Hakuei laugh. Curious, his ears strained and picked his brother's voice as he walked closer. His mouth tightened into a straight line. Of course. He had forgotten.

Every year, Princess Hakuei spent her birthday with his brother. Both would take the day off from their duties, clear their schedules and just spend the entire day in his study. He walked closer to the study. The door was wide open, as he stopped to look discreetly. Initially, all he had planned to do was walk past the study, and on his way. Maybe find Chu'uun who had been spending the day with the Ri brothers, who often took the birthday's excuse to spend time with each other. But instead, he stopped and stared, watched them interact.

They sat close, sharing a scroll. His brother would say something and she would laugh. He'd give her a look and then continue. Kouen played with her long and silky locks, as she seemingly leaned into his touch. How could Koumei have forgotten?

His fist clenched tightly, but he released it shortly after. Koumei's mouth, from a tight-lipped line, turned into a bitter smile. He was always aloof, lost in his own world. Even after he had seen the signs, he _knew_ what the first princess and the first prince felt for one another, so why had held onto some sort of hope? No, he didn't have hope, he had just wanted to satisfy himself with even the smallest sliver of hope, he didn't hold any of it, to begin with. His love for her was nothing more than a hindrance, for both him, her, and his brother. In honesty, he regretted his feelings. But now, his only regret was that he had never bothered to even ask her of what she thought of him before he fell so greatly for her.

Love and regret surely were odd things.

Slowly he shook his head with his smile and made his way away from the study to find the Ri Brothers and Chu'uun. It didn't matter what he felt. His brother's feelings were much more important, and even more than Kouen, Princess Hakuei was more important to him. So it didn't matter if she didn't love him, like that anyway. He'd gladly take her arm and walk her down the aisle to say her vows if it was with the man she truly loved, his brother. As long as she was happy, he'd kill his feelings inside. After all, his vow was to keep her happy, to protect her. It had never said that he had to be her husband to do it. He could do the job just fine in the role assigned to him, as her beloved older brother. And he was just fine with that.


End file.
